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Always Sorry
Oct. 23rd, 2014 02:39 pmI finally remembered this place, funny how when you need to journal you get the memory jog.
My health has been failing me and subsequently I've been failing everyone else. Pain continues to chew away at me long after people have grown weary of the 'excuse' of it. And so days have been slipping away from me really quickly, and weeks and now months.
I think the big downfall of TMS as a (self-made) diagnosis/treatment is the built in assumption that you should expect terrible debilitating pain and loss of mobility when your stress overflows. But I can't be laid up every time my life throws feelings my way. How is that workable?
I admit that I've taken Trenton leaving poorly; while plowing through with a smile. But I'm not sure how to not take it poorly. We're a very close family. And now I talk to him every ten days or so and the answer to my very gently phrased questions is usually, "that's private" or, "I don't know. I'm just living one moment at a time." We used to talk for hours. Every single day. My life is different now.
And home has changed too. I hired Trenton to tutor Avery and Brayden for math and programming. Taking that back on and doing all the prep is daunting and exhausting. Which isn't a complaint but I don't know how to juggle it all. Or how to help everyone through their emotions around Trenton being gone when I can't quite navigate it clearly myself.
All this isn't meant to be a gloomy complaint, or a rant or a cry for attention. It's an acknowledgement that I'm not in a terrific place right now even though so many things are going well for me.
My health has been failing me and subsequently I've been failing everyone else. Pain continues to chew away at me long after people have grown weary of the 'excuse' of it. And so days have been slipping away from me really quickly, and weeks and now months.
I think the big downfall of TMS as a (self-made) diagnosis/treatment is the built in assumption that you should expect terrible debilitating pain and loss of mobility when your stress overflows. But I can't be laid up every time my life throws feelings my way. How is that workable?
I admit that I've taken Trenton leaving poorly; while plowing through with a smile. But I'm not sure how to not take it poorly. We're a very close family. And now I talk to him every ten days or so and the answer to my very gently phrased questions is usually, "that's private" or, "I don't know. I'm just living one moment at a time." We used to talk for hours. Every single day. My life is different now.
And home has changed too. I hired Trenton to tutor Avery and Brayden for math and programming. Taking that back on and doing all the prep is daunting and exhausting. Which isn't a complaint but I don't know how to juggle it all. Or how to help everyone through their emotions around Trenton being gone when I can't quite navigate it clearly myself.
All this isn't meant to be a gloomy complaint, or a rant or a cry for attention. It's an acknowledgement that I'm not in a terrific place right now even though so many things are going well for me.
