perkynihilist

My hip and knee was too sore to go to the gym this morning (bummed that I hurt my knee after my work out. During at least would have had some cred).

With the extra two hours(ish) of day I stripped all the beds, washed the sheets, restored order to the household, worked on the several-days-now project that is Triple Rum Cake with Black Pepper and voted. I love mailing in my vote. It's so much nicer than waiting in line for three hours like we did last time.

And I may have finished a custom order that is giving me trouble. I was about to mail it to her no charge and tell her to throw it out if she wants but it's finally coming together. Again... ish.

The art show I'm doing in November contacted me asking if I would contribute five pieces to a cash and carry, month long art exhibit. I happily agreed but now the stock I was planning to sell at the art show is perilously low. So I am painting and creating all I can. Art on demand is my worst thing so I don't know how it's all going to work but I'm happy doing it.

An old friend called and at the end of an hour long talk she said they aren't coming for Thanksgiving as planned. I was thrilled. Adding nine people (they have 7 kids, 18-4) to our house would have been madness. My first move was to start booking a trip to Seattle to stay over Thursday night, eat seafood (no turkey dinner!) and then be there for the Macy's Santa Parade Friday morning. But then with a little googling I discovered that Portland celebrates Christmas too. The fact that this never occurred to me before is bonkers. PDX even has a Macy's Christmas Parade. And Zoo Lights (which we love) are an awful lot like Garden de'Lights in Seattle. I'm seriously considering relocating our traditions to OR. Wouldn't that be convenient, cost-efficient and manageable.

My back went haywire as it is prone to do this time of year. I decided that instead of fighting it I'd just take my meds and rest. It was WAY less exhausting. And I was able to paint, hang with the kiddos and get a few gentle, easy things done.

Wins:

* Avery might be done vision therapy a few weeks earlier than expected. All of a sudden he's graduating through exercises and rushing towards the end. Yay!!!

* Chris booked our hotel in St. Croix for May 1st to 7th. Shit just got real :-)

* Voting!

Losses:

* Took box of pretty backyard lights to C. and said he had to either hang them, put them in storage until next year or return them to Costco as having them sitting in our bedroom for five months was over. He did not like my bossiness. I do not like a large box of lights on my floor.

* Ate a whole lot of Flaming Hot Munchie Mix. Noted that good food choices and meds do not go hand in hand.

Thoughts: The zombie play from last night lingered in all our minds today. The writer said that afterwards you might notice it's about something other than zombies and I think it was about suicide, mental illness and how when things get twisted we can romanticize a beautiful, poetic end that in reality is brutal and ugly. And that sometimes we don't see that truth until it's eating your face... so to speak ;-)

I finally remembered this place, funny how when you need to journal you get the memory jog.

My health has been failing me and subsequently I've been failing everyone else. Pain continues to chew away at me long after people have grown weary of the 'excuse' of it. And so days have been slipping away from me really quickly, and weeks and now months.

I think the big downfall of TMS as a (self-made) diagnosis/treatment is the built in assumption that you should expect terrible debilitating pain and loss of mobility when your stress overflows. But I can't be laid up every time my life throws feelings my way. How is that workable?

I admit that I've taken Trenton leaving poorly; while plowing through with a smile. But I'm not sure how to not take it poorly. We're a very close family. And now I talk to him every ten days or so and the answer to my very gently phrased questions is usually, "that's private" or, "I don't know. I'm just living one moment at a time." We used to talk for hours. Every single day. My life is different now.

And home has changed too. I hired Trenton to tutor Avery and Brayden for math and programming. Taking that back on and doing all the prep is daunting and exhausting. Which isn't a complaint but I don't know how to juggle it all. Or how to help everyone through their emotions around Trenton being gone when I can't quite navigate it clearly myself.

All this isn't meant to be a gloomy complaint, or a rant or a cry for attention. It's an acknowledgement that I'm not in a terrific place right now even though so many things are going well for me.

Hey Everyone,

I set up an account here tonight, looking forward to reading your blogs and finding new people to share with.

Warmly,
Nicole